-Kamada’s POV-
Caution.
This is a little bit BL and a little bit depressing.
You can enjoy the story even if you skip this!
TN: This is more like the story of gay people being persecuted for being gay. More of a drama than BL if you ask me. Also, I don’t translate BL so I can assure you this novel is safe.
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「I’ll be waiting for you at the clinic tomorrow.」
「I’ll head over once I’m done with the farm work.」
「We’ll make sure to send Kama to the clinic.」
「After all, it’s dangerous for a maiden to walk alone.」
「Who are you calling a maiden?!」
For some reason, Ordinary Person, standing next to me, yelped in pain as he clutched his shin where I had kicked him.
Walking back alone to the clinic near the dungeon, my former comrades still insisted on escorting me home.
Even though I could send any attacker straight to heaven in an instant with my strength, they still worried about me.
Despite having left the life of an explorer behind and living in a safer place now, my old comrades would sometimes check in on me out of concern.
「It’s so dark.」
Looking up at the sky, the oppressive darkness stretched out, just like on that day.
♢
「Congratulations on reaching S-Rank!」
「Thank you!」
Back then, I(atashi)—or rather, I should say “I(boku)”—was part of a party with Ordinary Person, Samurai, and my partner, Taiga.
TN: Atashi is a cute/feminine way of “I” while boku is masculine.
Today, we were celebrating my promotion to S-Rank as well as holding a farewell party for the disbandment of our group.
Taiga had told me he worried every time I worked as an explorer. That’s why I decided to use this opportunity to retire.
So, we decided to combine my S-Rank celebration with the farewell gathering.
「Now that you’ve become S-Rank, you’re going to tell your parents, right?」
「Yeah. I’m going to come out to them properly and introduce Taiga.」
「I’m planning to tell my parents as well.」
Since I was old enough to be aware of myself, I had always known something was different.
Even as a boy, my eyes naturally followed other boys.
As a child, I thought I admired a certain type of coolness that my father didn’t possess.
But as I grew older and realized these feelings were romantic, I couldn’t suppress them anymore.
I hated myself for it.
The harder I tried to fall for women, the more it felt like my very existence was being denied by the world around me.
Feelings that weren’t considered normal.
And a body that wasn’t considered normal either.
――The skill Indestructible Adamant.
True to its name, my body had been unnaturally sturdy ever since I was little.
If I tripped and hit my knee on the floor, I would be unscathed—but the floor would have a hole in it.
Already dealing with the inner turmoil of being different, I was further alienated because of my strength.
“Touch him, and you’ll die.”
“Look at him, and you’ll get sick.”
Ever since I was a child, I’d grown up hearing things like that.
Back then, I didn’t know if they were referring to my strength or my mental state.
At the time, words like “homosexuality” weren’t widely understood, and instead of calling it “sexual orientation,” they’d call it an “abnormality” or a “mental disorder.”
Ever since I was a child, I was a crybaby. My father would always tell me to toughen up.
“If you’re a man, aim to become an explorer!”
To fulfill the dream my father couldn’t achieve, I decided to become an explorer.
That’s one of my earliest memories.
When I did become an explorer, my life changed completely.
「Now you can finally receive a partnership certificate, de gozaru.」
The person who acknowledged me the most was my partner, Taiga.
Like me, Taiga had struggled with his skills from a young age as an explorer.
He was also like me in another way—he was gay.
Taiga and I weren’t “normal.”
But because we had so much in common, we grew close quickly and eventually started dating.
Our shared goal was to come out to our parents and then officially declare our partnership.
Even someone like me wanted to face my parents honestly and thank them for bringing me into this world.
I thought that if I became strong enough, they’d accept me.
I had become an explorer, fulfilling my father’s dream, and I had become a strong man.
My biggest supporter, my mother, would always tell me, almost like a mantra, to live my life the way I wanted.
So, on the way back from the celebration, I decided to come out to my mother.
「Oh, what’s with the sudden invitation?」
After returning to my family home, I called my mother to the living room.
I took out the plate that served as proof of my status as an explorer.
「What…」
「Hehehe, I finally became an S-Rank explorer!」
An S-Rank explorer is a rank that only a select few can achieve—a symbol of admiration among explorers.
It’s such a renowned rank that even my mother, who isn’t an explorer, knows about it.
Now that I was this strong, I could finally call myself a son she could be proud of.
My mother, overjoyed, headed to the kitchen to prepare a celebration.
But I had already eaten dinner, and there was no way I could eat more.
「I’m full, so can you sit down for a bit instead?」
「Ara, is that so? We’ll save the celebration for another time then.」
Still in high spirits, my mother returned to her seat, a happy smile on her face.
「There’s something I want to tell you, Mom.」
「What is it, suddenly getting so serious? Is it a thank-you speech?」
Seeing how good her mood was, I thought it was the right time to speak.
Even so, I think my voice trembled as I began.
My mother smiled warmly, looking at my face.
「I… like men.」
I had always known it was impossible to keep this a secret forever.
「I mean… I’m gay.」
My voice was hoarse as I slowly strung the words together, one by one.
Even though I had been looking at her just a moment ago, I suddenly couldn’t meet her gaze anymore.
What kind of expression was she making right now?
「Recently, I’ve finally started to accept myself. I even want to introduce――」
Taiga must be doing his best right now too.
That thought gave me the strength to slowly lift my head.
But the mother who had been smiling just moments ago was gone.
What replaced her was an expression I will never forget—a look of utter despair.
「Is there… no way to fix this?」
Her words pierced through me. They weren’t spoken with malice but out of genuine concern, as if I were afflicted with some illness.
「It’s not something that needs to be fixed or can be fixed――」
「I didn’t raise you to be that kind of child. I always told you to live your life the way you wanted.」
「I know.」
「But what I meant was that you didn’t have to become an explorer. There were other paths in life. But why… why did you choose this kind of life?」
That’s why I chose a different path from everyone else—a life that wasn’t ordinary.
Marriage, children, and building a family.
I’d already resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t live that kind of “normal” life.
It was because my mother always said she would support me no matter what kind of life I chose that I thought she would accept me.
「I just… I just wanted to be acknowledged――」
「That’s impossible! If I can’t even accept it, how could society ever accept it?!」
Reality was harsher than I’d imagined.
「I know… The world isn’t kind to people like me. But I didn’t want to lie to my family――」
「I’m sorry, but I can’t do it. You need to take this to your grave and never tell anyone.」
All I wanted was to be acknowledged.
I wanted my parents to see me for who I was—a gay man who couldn’t be “normal,” but who had still managed to become an S-Rank explorer.
That was all.
But even that small wish was denied.
Deep inside, I had always believed there was something wrong with me, and now those suppressed feelings began to overflow.
I am broken.
I’m someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.
That thought consumed me.
「I love you. I really do. But even as your mother, there are some things I can’t accept. I won’t tell your father, so please… don’t ever bring this up again.」
And just like that, my coming out ended with my mother leaving the room.
***
Somehow, I found myself back in the hotel near the dungeon, the one I always stayed at.
――Brrrrrr, brrrrrr.
A sudden vibration interrupted the cold stillness of my heart.
「It’s Taiga.」
Seeing his name on my phone brought a faint warmth back to me.
Even if my family couldn’t accept me, as long as Taiga was there, I thought I could manage.
「Hello? Taiga, when are you coming back――」
「Kama-chan, I’m sorry.」
「Huh…?」
「I… I just don’t think I can keep going anymore.」
Hearing Taiga’s frail voice wasn’t new to me—I’d heard him speak with uncertainty before.
But this time, his tone was entirely different. A feeling of dread clawed at my chest.
『Awoooo!』
The distant howl was unmistakably close, and I immediately knew where Taiga was.
That howl belonged to a Mitsume Wolf, a sound I’d grown familiar with.
Without hesitation, I ran barefoot toward the dungeon, not even bothering to grab my gear.
Mitsume Wolves were no challenge for me; I could take them down with a simple flick of my finger.
I knew this dungeon like the back of my hand—I’d been here every day and memorized where those creatures roamed.
Even though it was harder to breathe than when I had come out to my mother, I forced myself to keep running.
With every passing second, the sinking feeling in my chest only grew stronger.
「Taiga!」
When I finally arrived, the scene before me froze me in place.
The ground was littered with the corpses of Mitsume Wolves.
And in the middle of it all lay the person I loved the most—Taiga.
But there were no signs of wolf bites on him.
Instead, his abdomen was pierced by two swords—his own swords.
「Haha… Living is just… too hard, you know?」
Taiga had likely been through the same thing as me. He must have come out to his parents… and faced rejection.
Don’t come out.
Anyone who sees this would probably think that.
Especially after witnessing this scene, it’s impossible not to.
But it was already too late for regrets.
In that moment, I remembered why I’d made my decision back then:
I couldn’t bear to keep lying to the parents who had brought me into this world and raised me.
Lying every day would have only suffocated me further.
「Don’t say that… You’re going to marry me, remember?」
「Yeah. Maybe if I’m reborn as a normal girl, we can get married.」
Taiga’s hand gently brushed against my cheek as he smiled.
That was the last conversation we ever had.
If one of us had been born a woman――.
We’d both thought that countless times.
But neither of us wanted to become a woman.
We simply happened to be men who loved men. That was all.
「Taiga, wait…」
I desperately tried to pull him back as his body began sinking into the dungeon floor.
Dungeons absorbed the bodies of the dead, claiming them as part of their ecosystem.
No matter how hard I pulled, Taiga was being drawn into the dungeon’s depths.
The sound of his bones cracking reached my ears.
If I kept pulling, he would endure even more pain, even in death.
At the very least, I wanted to see him off with a smile.
So, I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Taiga’s lips.
「I’ll join you in heaven soon, okay?」
After saying goodbye to Taiga, I picked up the two swords lying on the ground and closed my eyes.
With all my strength, I plunged the blades into my stomach.
But my body, hardened from years of training, didn’t even flinch.
The swords snapped apart, their edges dulling uselessly against my skin.
「Why can’t I die?! Take me with you!」
No matter how many times I stabbed my abdomen with the sword, the result was always the same.
Even after the blade broke, I continued to desperately drive it into myself, my cries echoing throughout the dungeon until I was finally stopped by Ordinary Person and Samurai.
It seems I wasn’t destined for heaven after all.
♢
「Oi oi, Kama, were you really that upset about being banned?」
「Huh?」
Come to think of it, I had completely forgotten about being banned from Papa-san’s streaming channel.
Whenever I gaze up at this pitch-black sky, that day feels as vivid as if it were only yesterday.
Since that incident, I’ve made it a point to live without lying to myself.
And I became a psychiatrist to help reduce the number of people suffering like I once did.
Becoming a psychiatrist for those in special professions was something Ordinary Person and Samurai had asked me to do.
Yet, deep down, maybe I was still trying to keep some kind of connection to Taiga.
「Is that not the case, de gozaru?」
「Hmm, with Naokyun being so accepting, I end up forgetting things like that pretty quickly.」
「Hahaha, yeah, Papa-san may be a bit of a klutz, but he can take on anyone’s burdens.」
「Explorers like us all carry some kind of darkness in our hearts, de gozaru.」
「Even your little Samurai-junior has his share of darkness, doesn’t he?」
「Wha-?! When did you see that, de gozaru!?」
「Hahaha, you’re falling for Kama’s jokes again.」
We explorers all have wounds we carry deep inside. The stronger we are, the more powerful our skills seem to become.
But Naokyun and Dori-chan, who neither deny nor affirm us yet accept us all the same, make it so comfortable to be by their side.
Maybe that’s why so many explorers end up gathering around them.
「Alright, we’re here. Thanks again.」
「See you tomorrow.」
「Tomorrow, de gozaru!」
My former companions waved goodbye as they left.
「Thank you.」
Thank you for staying by my side all this time.
「Taiga, I’m doing fine today too.」
Since that day, I’ve started to think it might not be so bad to live just a little longer.
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*Author’s Note*
This time, I decided to release everything all at once.
If I had gone into more detail, my heart might have broken, so I kept it relatively light… or did I?
I think this story sheds a bit of light on why so many explorers gather around the protagonist.
「Oh my, I hijacked the author’s note!♡」
「Hey, hey, let me get some screen time too—」
It seems Doctor and Ordinary Person have been banned.
「I, Samurai, shall take over! Leave your ★s and reviews here, de gozaru! Kukuku, a star pun… Ah, wait, hold on—」
Samurai was also banned.
「In that case, the author, k-ing, will…」
Thank you as always.
You’ve all given me so much strength.
I aim to create a world in these stories where people can enjoy themselves regardless of disabilities, illnesses, or sexuality.
As a result, I often try not to lean too heavily into BL-like developments, but it seems I unconsciously enjoy pleasing the fujoshi crowd, haha.
If I go too far, feel free to scold me with a firm「No!」!
TN: If this really have “those kinds” of BL development, I wouldn’t have picked it. The “BL” in this novel is similar to how you match your friends as gays which I guess a normal everyday joke in teenager times.
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